START AGAIN

Above is a picture of my boots

Might mean nothing to you, but to me, these bad boys mean the world 

They symbolise something very special to me

They symbolise me giving up

When I was 25 I achieved my dream

And it was the worst experience of my life

After a decade of training, classes, wearing tights for 3 years at drama school, embarrassing auditions, humiliating rejections… 

I was finally leading on stage at the Sydney Opera House

It was a beautiful production

Critically and commercially a great success

An amazing ensemble of actors

An incredible team of creatives and production crew

And a beautiful pair of brown leather boots for my character

I had every opportunity to fly

But I didn’t

I fell on my face

Hard

I realised two things:

1. I had no understanding of how to respond to pressure

2. I had no ownership over my career - I wasn’t ‘doing me’

As the nerves, self doubt, negative self talk and anxiety slowly began creeping in each night

I began giving up hope

And by half way through the tour, my best mate Damo (also in the show with me) caught me on stage smudging tears off my cheek with my back to the audience

I didn’t know what I could do about the sense of dread I felt before my feet stepped onto that stage each night

And by the time the show had run its course

I was a bitter, resentful actor

Quick to blame things outside of my control

Finding all the proof I could to back up whatever fearful thoughts I was having

I then had the opportunity to go be on set with DiCaprio for two days

I hated him

He was effortless

It looked like he was just having a ball

But most of all, it looked like he just didn’t give a fuck

Like he was just playing freely and giving whatever work he wanted to

I found myself excusing his on-set success because of other factors…

His fame

His hair

His cool vape

He even got to have his mum on set - I mean c’mon

And I became so… so tired

Of all the shit that I was telling myself

The truth was, he was doing what he wanted, and doing it so well

And when the pressure was on, when 150 million dollars was on the line and it was time for his close up… he nailed it

As I was watching him (creepily), I remember telling myself

“There is no way I will ever be able to do that”

And if thats was how I was honestly feeling, then why keep trying?

So I hung up my boots

Literally, I took my character boots (that I stole from costume when the show was done - sorry Kelly) 

And I hung them up in my garage

I took up some other interests

Started studying some stuff I didn’t want to

I even became a part-time carer to my paralysed friend (miss you Sambo)

And if anyone brought up acting, I was quick to condemn it

The ridiculousness of spending a life being rejected 

The lack of power in getting work

“Too many things out of your control” I’d snap

After a year of being in limbo

I received an email at 7pm on a Tuesday evening

And I quote: 

“Confirming Michael Sheasby for his meeting tomorrow with Mel Gibson…”

“Michael does not need to prepare anything…”

I don’t really remember the meeting - I think we spoke about how to get rid of rabbits on farms?

But next minute, I was on set, surrounded by Mel Gibson, Andrew Garfield, Vince Vaughn, Sam Worthington 

And a large ensemble of actors all playing soldiers

Dream case scenario, right?

Nope

Still, I was miserable

I hadn’t washed the previous years experience off my skin

I found myself trying to hide from the camera

Desperately wanting to be seen, but freezing anytime the opportunity came my way

And eventually my part was whittled down to the awkward silent dude standing in the back

I felt like I was falling on my face all over again

All this work, all this sacrifice

To try get opportunities

That when I finally did get

I choked

But there was something different about this time

Andrew Garfield

Again, I was watching an actor simply not giving a fuck

Giving exactly the work he wanted to 

Generously leading from the front

But what was different, was that I focussed on his process

On how he was actually giving his work

The time he was taking before ‘takes’

The willingness to fail

The folder he was carrying around for his character

The space he would give himself to focus for what was coming up next

Something clicked

He was doing the work, just like anyone else

The difference was

When the pressure was on

He simply jumped off the cliff

He let himself fly

I didn’t sleep

I kept thinking about this

And I decided to start again

I began investing ruthlessly in external accountability

I researched who were the acting coaches to my heroes

I researched who were the best mindset coaches taking care of athletes I admired

I took my savings account my parents had spent 10 years putting my pocket money into when I was a kid (thanks mum & dad)

And I asked those coaches for help

I listened

I made some changes

And four years later I was nominated alongside my heroes

When I look back at this time, it fills me with joy

A time when I gave up focussing on all the things I couldn’t control

And started focussing on the few things I could;

My craft, my process, my breath 

And things fell into place…

Its an extraordinary time

But I know if I am wanting a 50 year career…

Then this is absolutely the best time to give up

Give up trying to control the things I can’t

And instead, focus on the things I can

It’s the best time to start again

Why am I writing this?

Honestly, a film I’m prepping for just got delayed… so I have time

And over the last few years, there have been few things which have compared with the feeling I get from working on my own process

One of those things, is helping other performers with theirs

So they can put their head on the pillow feeling proud of the work they gave

So I’m going to use this time to pass stuff on

The stuff I didn’t get from any drama school, acting class or book

The lessons, tools, tips, principles and techniques which have helped create enormous change in my craft and career

I hope these things might help you find some level of comfort during this chaotic time

So when spring kicks in and actors around the world start dusting off their boots

You’ll have some secret shit to help you take over the world

Sending hugs

m

Start Again